A shocking headline on ESPN says that Pro Bowler Dareus has been arrested for drugs! I knew he was on something with the way he’s been carving up the lower leagues lately. It’s probably meth or heroin! Or oxy. Whatever it is, all of those 300 games will mean nothing if
Apparently we were wrong and it’s football player Marcell Dareus, formerly of the Alabama Crimson Tide and currently a defensive tackle for the Buffalo Bills, where he was named to the Pro Bowl (see how easy that is?) has been arrested for driving around Alabama with synthetic marijuana that he intended to smoke. We apologize for any duress that our words have caused for the family of Dareus, the bowler. We have never lost faith in your abilities and we believe that you consistently do the right thing by us. We have always thought you were a great guy and a model citizen. You handle yourself with class and dignity. Now for our savage beatdown of the football player:
Now you look here, Dareus, just what in the hell do you think you’re doing rolling around in Alabama, presumably listening to loud music at high volumes, per chance in the company of some very loose women, and preparing to smoke synthetic drug substances? You owe us all an apology. One has to wonder if a guy who made the Pro Bowl last year can afford this kind of monumental screwup, the kind that take a team down to smithereens in lickety split time.
— Thad Brown (@thadbrown7) May 7, 2014
Apparently, he can not. If you would like to contribute to the rainy day for a man who has apparently squandered all of his NFL money I’ll be taking donations. Once I’ve collected enough money I will buy some synthetic marijuana and some real marijuana and I will fly to where Dareus is staying and we will conduct an experiment, possibly on stray dogs. I haven’t mapped out what the experiment will be but you can count on it being harsh, balanced, fair, and scientifically useful.