The Maste…/slapped with cease and desist

4.9.13 masters flag

On Masters Eve, I’ve noticed an eerie calm.

Consider the past three Masters starting with Phil’s 2010 win highlighted by his incendiary Saturday and shot from the trees on Sunday.  The 2011 Masters, where Tiger’s front 9 charge lit the fuse for what was one of the most incredible golf tournaments I’ve ever seen that would’ve been almost impossible to top if not for Louis Oosthuizen’s double eagle and Bubba’s all-time great shot last year.

And yet, despite this crescendo we’ve been riding, I feel this nervous energy around seemingly everyone I’ve talked to about this year’s tournament that’s kind of thrown me for a loop and I think it’s entirely Tiger’s fault.

As you can tell by the post’s title, I don’t think Tiger Woods will win the 2013 Masters.  I can’t make it any clearer than that.  What?!  What does this mean?!  Is Tiger back?  Is he ever going to win a major again?  Is he a disappointment?!?!

Before you even think that shit, shut up.  Just shut the fuck up.

4.9.13 masters tiger

Did you not see his three wins this year?  He’s all-the-way-the-fuck-back, ok?  Do we have this established?  He’s hitting his irons just preposterous distances, accurately and putting the ball better than anyone on the planet not named Brandt Snedeker while driving the ball better than he has since…shit…2002? So can we move on now?  Thank you…I’m proud of you pony boy.

And I fully expect him, if he can maintain some semblance of his current form, to win one (if not both) of the Opens and be a favorite at the PGA.  And, yes, he’s the overwhelming favorite this week and Tiger win would give me a (/no homo) veiny, purple-headed triumphant golfboner the likes of which could be confused for a minibat when going through airport security.  Will I be rooting for him?  Of course!

But I just can’t pick him this week…just can’t do it.  Why?  I’ll tell you why…a) I don’t particularly care for talking about Tiger Woods for the same reason I’ve always found Superman comics fucking boring and b) I think Augusta gives such an advantage to an aggressive driver that a cadre of bombers are going to make life awfully hard for him this year.

Sergio Garcia

Kidding…just wanted to take a quick golf porn break and, plus, this video is fucking awesome.

Justin Rose

Rose has finished in the top 25 in his past 12 events and is playing as good of golf tee-to-green as anyone on the planet and, more importantly, is putting the ball quite well.  He’s got a good history here, never missing a cut in seven tries with five top 25 finishes and with as good of a driver he is, he’ll be setting himself up for the absolute perfect stock iron trajectory for these greens.  Does he have the onions to hold up on Sunday?  Hard to say, but he’s been impressive in some big events lately.

Really, really good player.

Dustin Johnson

Ready for this?  In 2013, DUSTIN JOHNSON ranks 32nd in strokes gained putting and every other part of his game is perfect for tearing Augusta to bits.  Dustin Johnson is one of those players that can completely shrink any golf course on Earth.  It’s really ridiculous to see guys like him and Bubba and Nicolas Colasaerts hit these just mammoth drives and then imagine those shots when you’re playing your local 6,300 yard muni, I tell ya.

Bubba Watson

Why not?  His length off the tee and that perfect moonshot slice (as a lefty) gives him such a huge advantage, much like another lefty slicer, Phil, who we’ll get to in a second.  His stats are pretty strong…always a streaky putter and wedge player, but eating par 5’s for lunch and hitting a ton of GIR.  Can’t overestimate the power of good karma at a course too.

4.9.13 masters charl

Charl Schwartzel

Another second-time winner?  Listen, I love Charl, ok?  His name is fucking CHARL.  I call taking a dump, “taking a Hot Charl.”  My clan tag in Call of Duty is “chrl.”  CHARL.

Oh, motherfucker can play too.  Him and his boy Oosty have those syrupy sweet swings that seemingly sprout something something sssssssssss fuck you.  CHARL.  Sorry.  So yea, he’s made 12 consecutive top 25’s too and is 17th in strokes gained putting.  There’s your stats, ya buncha bitches.

Robert Garrigus

Who doesn’t like watching that duck footed snaggletooth blast TM Penta’s a cot damned country mile every which way?  I sure as hell do.

I just realized something…

If the Green Jacket Mafia ever stumble upon this, they’ll ban me for life.  Damn.


Luke Donald’s been oddly mediocre.  While I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to see Rory contend, I don’t like him, so there.  Brandt Snedeker’s not the same player he was after that injury.  Adam Scott’s got a yeast infection.  I can’t make sexual congress with Jason Day’s wife.  Jason Dufner fell asleep.

Matt Kuchar’s too damn nice.  Hass avocados > Bill Haas.  Angel Cabrera cried for Argentina.  Ian Poulter couldn’t wear a skirt.  Louis Oosthuizen went skiing on Oscar Pistorius’ “legs” (court ordered because Pistorius is a flight risk).  Lee Westwood always looks like he just smelled a fart.  Hunter Mahan has shitty style.

4.9.13 masters karl  4.9.13 masters greg norman

Greg Norman looks like Karl from Die Hard…now he needs a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho.  Rickie Fowler’s clubface rotates so fast thru impact, it’s a miracle he can play like he does and I know that’s not funny, but seriously, it’s ridiculous.

Well shit…that lost steam quickly.

Leave the pick, take the cannolis

I’m taking Phil Mickelson.

Shh, child, shh…don’t ask why.

  • Oskie

    Greg Norman looks like Karl from Die Hard…

    i always thought he had more of a Paul Hogan look to him.

    Great write up. I’d love to see Phil win another one.

  • spencer096

    supporting argument…

    While Tiger has been extremely successful this year, his effectiveness of the tee should be a concern. Furthermore, he’s been much more conservative off the tee by leaving his driver in the bag more often than he was last year.

    The reason for Tiger’s success this year is due to his putting. Not only is he making a lot of putts, but he’s No. 1 in putts made from 15- to 25 feet. Typically, putts made from more than 15 feet on Tour is a ‘volatile’ metric. Meaning, a player can rank well in putts made from longer than 15 feet one month and then rankly poorly the next month.

    With Tiger’s conservative nature off the tee, he’s giving up a lot of yards to the elite players on Tour. But, between his strong iron play and incredible long putting, he is able to find the green and make putts.

    His game reminds me a bit of Mike Weir’s game in 2003 when Weir was a mediocre driver of the ball, but a top-5 player from 125-200 yards and a top-5 putter in the world. However, Weir needed soft conditions to help him win a Green Jacket. While Tiger hits the ball much longer than Weir did in 2003, I just tend to think that he’s leaving too much to risk if he goes conservative off the tee. I can understand making Tiger a favorite, but I think he’s more realistically a 9/1 odds or so to win.

  • Big D

    With Tiger’s conservative nature off the tee, he’s giving up a lot of yards to the elite players on Tour.

    Something I never thought I’d read…

  • cabbage

    I agree. The days of taking Tiger over The Field are done. He’s back, but I don’t think he strikes the fear of God into the rest of the field like he used to do.

    I need to get back there one more time. Thing holding me back is I like to walk around and not just stay at one hole, but Augusta is very, very hilly (it just doesn’t appear that way on TV) and it will wear your ass out walking around.