This Pussification of America’s Jaw Must Stop

I’m an avid chewer and I know how disgusting of a habit it is.  Every time I have a chew, which is anywhere from three to six times per day, I go back to my very first chaw and damn that day.  You’re damn right I wish I never picked up the habit and I’m even more disgusted that I don’t have the mental or testicular fortitude to just say “screw it, I’m going to be even more unpleasant to be around” and quit.  I mean, in a macro sense, it only takes a week anyways, so what’s the big deal?

The big deal is that I DO fucking enjoy it, even despite the above paragraph, and regardless of how nasty a habit it is to me, it affects absolutely nobody else, unlike smoking cigarettes or cigars.  I semi-understand the smoking ban, but a dip and chew ban?  No.  A bottle full of spit may disgust you but I’m not fucking up your breathing and it’s not making your clothes stink, so deal with it.  And, regardless of how high and mighty you think you are by looking down at a chewer, that still doesn’t give you the right to dictate to them what we should be doing with our lives.

Cue, the overly-liberal, lily-white, live their entire lives in a WASP-y bubble northeasterners.

“I understand this issue as a former smoker, but I also feel like we all have roles to play as we’re adults, and making sure that we’re not modeling unhealthy behaviors is something we can all do and do easily,” said Barbara Ferrer, director of the Boston Public Health Commission, one of 15 top public health officials nationwide advocating for the ban with nonprofit Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. “This would be another opportunity for our sports heroes to be heroes and really put out that very important image.”

With all due respect, Barbara, shut the fuck up.

This would be an opportunity for our sports heroes to be heroes?  No.  If you look to athletes as role models, you’re dumb.  Athletes are some of the most disgusting, vile, unethical, morally corrupt, ignorant and arrogant individuals walking the planet, who have been almost completely isolated from real society because of their unique skills, and yet you want your kids to model themselves after these people?  If anything, we should use athletes as a model for what we DON’T want our kids to be.  Sure, there are athletes like Derrick Brooks and Drew Brees and Warrick Dunn who we could point to as shining examples of humanity, but what kind of message are we sending our kids when we show them that it’s ok to dedicate every waking hour to mastering a game and abandoning all human value in order to get a dubya while you’re eminently replaceable?

Now, I get that there are some redeeming qualities that would impact a child’s increasingly corrupted innocence, and that, in this age of informational advancement we should hold ourselves to a higher standard that doesn’t indulge in such basic and harmful practices like tobacco use or alcohol and drug consumption, but at the same time, it’s these vices that make the human experience more enjoyable.  And who the fuck is Barbara Ferrer to tell anyone to stop doing something, anything, no matter how harmful, no matter how ridiculous, if the only person it impacts is that individual?

While I agree that dip and chew wouldn’t be in a child’s mind if not for baseball players, it’s not like taking tobacco out of baseball is going to take it off shelves in stores.  Chances are good, at some point in their lives, a teenaged boy will come across it in some fashion or another and then what?  So it’s out of baseball…great…but will that teach kids a lesson?  I really don’t think so*.

You want a better way to approach this?  Even using the retarded “athletes are role models” angle that gets more and more absurd as the years progress?  Why not point to baseball players that chew and tell your kids “listen, that bulge in their lip is tobacco.  It’s extremely addictive and dangerous.  It’s so addictive that some of our most accomplished athletes cannot quit and spend the entire game spitting brown juice on the ground.  There are consequences down the road that you can avoid by not starting that these men can’t.”  Explain the dangers, explain what will happen down the road to your jaw, just don’t think that something like taking tobacco out of baseball is going to do a parent’s job for them.

Is this an “opportunity?”  Sure.  And I guess it is a small token of appreciation that MLB players could show America’s youth, but that’s not their responsibility.  They’re athletes, not surrogate parents.  I’m probably the last person who should be talking about how to influence children to live a better life, but at the same time, this type of livelihood-censorship is just downright disgusting and offensive.  I know I have a bad habit to kick, I don’t need you looking down your nose at me like you’re some beacon of light shining on us illiterate tobacco users…if anything, that makes me want to throw in a horseshoe right now out of spite.

Then again, Barbara, have you ever thought about starting with telling kids not to fucking start doing heroin and OxyContin and then scaling back to curbing chewing tobacco use?  It’s not like there’s a growing opiate epidemic in your area or anything…

*You want to know the best way to get a kid to never, EVER dip?  Give him a HUGE one when he’s young…he’ll puke and never touch the shit again.  I’ve met one female in my life who dipped, and she was a hella-beast bodybuilding chick who tried to sell me Deca and Winstrol…if you have a daughter, you don’t have to worry.

42 thoughts on “This Pussification of America’s Jaw Must Stop

  1. Good post Spence.

    It all comes down to parenting. Unfortunately, about 70% of society has become unbelievably lazy, apathetic, and irresponsible. No one wants to do it themselves – it’s easier to let someone else do it for them. Like parenting.

  2. and she was a hella-beast bodybuilding chick who tried to sell me Deca and Winstrol…

    so, did you bang her?

  3. regardless of how nasty a habit it is to me, it affects absolutely nobody else

    You mean other than the future burden on the healthcare system right?

    Good post Spence, I’m glad I kicked the habit, these days the smell of a tin of Copenhagen makes my stomach turn over.

  4. i enjoyed levi garrett on fishing trips, but it just really felt like it was eating my teeth, as it was in mouth. very sweet

  5. and uh, why no pics of throat cancer victims, for you know, fair and balanced. i’ll get them for ya, just say the word

  6. You mean other than the future burden on the healthcare system right?

    if you’re going there, why not mention the burden that fast food and a high-fat, high-carbohydrate diet has on the healthcare system?

    i GUARANTEE there are more obese people than chewing tobacco users considering the only state with an obese population under 15% is colorado…

    but yea…mcdonalds and burger king are totally fine. but grr…that mean tobacco!

  7. also…that healthcare burden could be eased a little bit if we legalized, regulated and taxed marijuana and prostitution.

  8. You mean other than the future burden on the healthcare system right?

    Spencer pays for his own healthcare, because he’s not a fucking communist Canadian royal subject.

  9. if you’re going there, why not mention the burden that fast food and a high-fat, high-carbohydrate diet has on the healthcare system?

    Those are certainly a bigger issue, can’t dispute that. Just nit picked the point about chew not impacting anyone else.

  10. Spencer pays for his own healthcare, because he’s not a fucking communist Canadian royal subject.

    I disagree with the Communist part of that.

  11. zeus we had a fine dental discussion here last night. got any dental horror stories from the hockey days?

  12. zeus we had a fine dental discussion here last night. got any dental horror stories from the hockey days?

    I have a bridge making up the front 4 teeth on the top, took a high stick in the mouth, thought everything was ok, got back to the bench took out my mouthguard and the teeth came with it.

    It was more fun when I was still playing and had a flipper that I could take out and put in other people’s drinks.

  13. This would be an opportunity for our sports heroes to be heroes?

    I highlight this sentence as the representative sentence for its paragraph up there…holy crap I don’t think I’ve ever agreed more with anything written on this site than that paragraph and that’s even considering all of the stuff I’ve written too.

  14. The ban on dip would be great I think. Nicotine is a drug and should be in a public forum. Cocain doesn’t hurt anyone but the user. Should they do coke in the dougout? We don’t want people popping pills in the open, right? The issue is, the more acceptable it is the more likely kids will find a way to do it. It’s a health hazard and shouldn’t be in the open. Can’t drink in public either so why allow chew in public

  15. Cocain doesn’t hurt anyone but the user.

    ive never heard of anyone assaulting someone or robbing a house or becoming homeless because of tobacco.

  16. I’m not a dipper (have dipped maybe three times in my life), but my dad has been my entire life. I love the smell of a can of wintergreen dip. smelling that brings back a flood of childhood memories of chilling with my dad riding around in his truck, fishing, etc.

  17. Can’t drink in public either so why allow chew in public

    except for the part in all sports where they spray each other with champagne and douse each other with beer.

  18. It all comes down to parenting.

    So what are you saying about Spencer’s parents Big D?

    Seriously though, I agree. I am very libertarian on most of these issues. Want to do heroin? Fine as long as you are not driving my bus. Want to smoke? Fine as long as I don’t have to smell it. I was never a pot smoker but I also believe it is no more harmful than alcohol so it should be legal as well.

    However as for MLB banning chewing tobacco, they have every right. They are selling a product that is largely based upon the general public giving a shit and liking their product. If they feel banning chew helps their bottom line then that is their choice. That is not the government, that is a private business. Yankees can mandate their players have short hair if they want. Public image is important.

    As for the Boston public health official, I completely disagree with her.

    They should run some of the ads they are running here in NY. They have one guy who lost his voice box due to cancer, another where they have someone missing their toes and fingers, etc.

  19. I’m not a dipper (have dipped maybe three times in my life), but my dad has been my entire life. I love the smell of a can of wintergreen dip. smelling that brings back a flood of childhood memories of chilling with my dad riding around in his truck, fishing, etc.

    This paragraph is pure redneck.

  20. threadjack:

    Tampa Bay signs Wade Davis to 7/$35M deal. 4/$12.6M guaranteed. Club options for ’15/’16/’17

    /end threadjack

    I love them Rays. Hate Tropicana, though.

  21. However as for MLB banning chewing tobacco, they have every right.

    yep…THEY have every right. agreed with that whole paragraph…if they want to ban it, by all means. but high-horsed outside pressure is uncalled for.

  22. Spraying beers and smoking a cigar isn’t the best thing, but it’s not during the game…every game

    but it is in public which is the counterpoint to your incorrect point about not drinking in public. and I was just using a sports analogy. what’s this “can’t drink in public” thing anyways? I can think of a handful of instances where it’s perfectly fine and legal to drink in public.

  23. yep…THEY have every right. agreed with that whole paragraph…if they want to ban it, by all means. but high-horsed outside pressure is uncalled for.

    Exactly.

  24. Spraying beers and smoking a cigar isn’t the best thing, but it’s not during the game…every game

    dude, it’s a small fucking pinch and spitting on grass. it’s not like they’re collectively spitting into a giant pool and having shamu soak the first 5 rows or anything.

  25. also…that healthcare burden could be eased a little bit if we legalized, regulated and taxed marijuana and prostitution.

    I don’t get why this isn’t more seriously considered as an option

  26. I don’t get why this isn’t more seriously considered as an option

    Communist stoners don’t vote.

  27. Communist stoners don’t vote.

    i vote. sasha pick me up in his car, audi s6, good car, no problem. we wait in line, take pills, drink vodka, vote for musliim. democracy is good, but sasha say kruschev say voting no good that we get czar. what is problem? czar give vodka, bread, job making missile, no problem.

  28. I love the smell of a can of wintergreen dip. smelling that brings back a flood of childhood memories

    Used to love the smell of a can of wintergreen when I was a kid. Now, I chew when I drink and I absolutely hate the smell of it.

  29. I’ve met one female in my life who dipped, and she was a hella-beast bodybuilding chick who tried to sell me Deca and Winstrol…if you have a daughter, you don’t have to worry.

    Me and a buddy were in a bar in Sweden when your young ladies came in dressed as guys with even penciled on mustaches. Seems that’s their version of a bachelorette party. The bride-to-be had some very mild dip in her lip, so my buddy, being a real gentleman, offers her some Copenhagen. 5 minutes later, she’s outside puking her guts out.

    Fast forward to 9 am the next morning and the bridesmaids are beating down my door looking for the bride-to-be. I managed to get her out of my buddy’s room in time for her wedding.

  30. You’re damn right I wish I never picked up the habit and I’m even more disgusted that I don’t have the mental or testicular fortitude to just say “screw it, I’m going to be even more unpleasant to be around” and quit.

    Could’ve been worse, it could have been a dick.

    /just sayin’

  31. way late but while I don’t agree with the entire post I agree entirely with the annoyance towards acting like cigarette smoking and dipping in public have anything to do with each other.

Comments are closed.